AUTHOR: Scott G DATE: 3:17:00 AM ----- BODY:

Finally something to talk about..

Where should I start? Ok.. well the fact that deb was sore and whining tonight and it got me annoyed. Actually I think it's a trap. An inadvertent trap to get mad at me. She whines and whines and whines until it drives me up the wall. Of course it does. I'm not afraid to tell my wife she's doing something that annoys me. Of all the people in the world that I can say that sort of thing to, my wife is certainly one of them. Anyway.. I asked this simple question.. "Do you feel better?" and I get "No" as an answer. I simply said "Then whining doesn't help" and that was it. Then of course she gets all mad at me, because I'm a bad bad man who's done such bad things. What were those things again? Getting annoyed when she was trying to annoy me? Telling her that whining won't fix the problem? Well.. that's all I know how to do. I'm not a pacifist. I don't live to make people feel better about themselves. I love my wife and I worry when she develops spontaneous medical issues, but unless she's willing to get up, get dressed, and go to a doctor.. there's nothing I can do to help. I'm not a doctor and I don't think "Aww.. I'm sorry you're sore.. awww.." will really help, so I don't do it. The way it usually goes is this: She gets me mad by doing something to me, she gets mad at me for getting mad, and then I foolishly apologize for getting mad. Why do I apologize even though I'm not wrong? Well.. that's an age old question that may never be answered. Men have been doing it since the beginning of time. Each time I feel less and less like I'm making sense. All I know is that it's the only way to make things go away. I could stand my ground for days as I've done in the past but it takes too long. I guess I'm not as strong willed as I'd like to be. Life is just too confusing sometimes. Maybe the only way to avoid fights is to be a sorry puss like my friends. Maybe I'll become a pansy and let her walk all over me? Wait.. she already does. I've said this many times and it still remains true. Not once has she apologized for doing something to me, and most of what she does causes me emotional harm. Emotional abuse, I'm an expert at it now. My life's lesson so far on emotional abuse has been being treated like shit, ignored, and made to feel like total shit for no reason. It's being manipulated by the one you love because they can. Because if they say so.. you take it as is. Like the time I playfully tapped a sales flyer on deb's behind. She claimed I hurt her out of nowhere and proceeded to treat me as if I'd caused her considerable harm. Yes, I'm guilty of being annoying, treat it as such. Not something far worse. I would never intentionally do anything that could possibly hurt my wife. Never.. I don't even hurt others. I'm a very peaceful person. There have been numerous times that my peacefulness has been taken advantage of. Like any one of the 20+ times Deb has decided to randomly stop talking to me. Always without reason, and always to extremes. I would talk and talk and talk until I was sweating bullets and my heart raced, but she wouldn't crack. I would apologize over and over again not knowing what I was saying sorry for. In the end.. when I finally discovered the reasons each time.. not one instance was there something I did to warrant such treatment. Yet she never apologized. I've come to realize that I'll never get an apology from her no matter what she does. I am always wrong. No matter what.. even if I do nothing, I am wrong. On to other items on my mind. Well.. in the back of my mind I should say. I have tomorrow off and I've just finalized my plans. I'm watching the Notre Dame football game on tv and doing nothing after that. Maybe I'll go out and play pool.. alone. (upon further reflection, I'm unsure of how to do this, but I'll still go out) I need some alone time. I was thinking about day trips, but it's a loaner car and we can't risk driving out of the area and having something happen to it. Deb's getting her nights out with Christine and I go out even less. So I'm going out alone tomorrow after the game. At noon when I sit down to watch the game she'll be sleeping, and even if she's up when it's over I'm going. I know part of me is saying this because of the domestic difficulties currently taking place, but I was thinking about this before anything went down. I don't have all these friends knocking my door down, so if I need time out I'll take it alone. Work has been ok lately, it's odd really. The times I think I won't like working with people will actually turn out well. When this older lady Peg works I end up doing most of the work and she tends to sit still in a daze not taking care of customers. I've noticed this a few times and that's why I decided in my head that I didn't want to work with her. Well.. it turns out it's not so bad. I do more of the work but I get better at it and the customers are more forgiving when they see an elderly woman as my co-worker and realize that I'm not slowing them down. I try to be fast and not make people wait forever, but I'm only one person. I do what I can. In the end the day ends up going by faster and I look back at it thinking it wasn't so bad at all. Working with Peg is a challenge, but one that makes time go by very fast. :) At the moment I'm out of things to say, so until next time.. --------